When Life Throws You Lemons, a COVID Post

I keep telling myself to blog more, I mean, after all, I'm getting much more time with much less running these days, just like everyone else in NJ. So today is the day.

We, as humans, always think we have control. And if you are like me, just keeping it real, I am a control freak about 80% of the time. Probably more but I'm being generous. You should see my calendar on my phone. It's even color-coded. Light purple goes to music. Dark purple for ministry solo events and also for church Worship team. And then yellow is for tennis. Light yellow is Jana's events or practice and dark yellow is for officiating. Gray is Jana's dance schedule whether it's her classes or private lessons for her solos. Blue means something fun, that last blue on my calendar was seeing the last Pittsburgh Penguins game in NJ playing the Devils. I'm sharing all of this because if you know me personally you know we don't stay still. Ever. We're constantly on the move. So even if I don't take the time to read my calendar (which I usually do honestly) the colors give me a very quick reference.

And yet here we are not moving, on a shelter at home order from the state of NJ. Going out consists of picking up necessities and that is it. I've only been this still once before in my life. After my car accident when I was on bed rest. Worst of all, I have a senior student and when I think about how this is affecting her I can cry, I'm literally tearing up right now. But my goal as her mom is to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, it stinks for you, but life isn't always fair and that's just the way it is. Life will throw things at you and how you respond makes all the difference. I am by no means the best parent but our conversations have gone like this. I know this sucks for you but people are getting sick, it really sucks for them. Yes, I know this is unfair, but people are losing family members and they can't even be with them! It's really awful for them. It's all about perspective.

We found out that one of her dreams is gone. Not that her team advancing to nationals was a given by any means. But I had confidence her new advanced team would compete well at sectionals to hopefully get there. This is her last year as a junior as she becomes a collegiate player in the fall. Tough break. Was she sad sure, but instead of focusing on Nationals being gone she's hoping that at least she can play in Sectionals.

Though Jana (pronounced Yonna) is a competitive tennis player, dance has been a major part of her life. She has danced since she was 2 1/2. She has literally grown up on stage (just like her mom). Honestly, I've been on edge and anxious because I knew the inevitable was coming. Today we got the news the season is done. I read the letter from her directors and the tears started to come. This is her lasts. Her last competitions, her last solos. Her final bow for her dance life (though I can totally see her dancing the rest of her life). But in that rain came some sunshine and our perspective is remade. We're paused. She gets to do it again next year so it's a senior year plus for dance. YAY. Hopefully, graduation will continue as well. Definitely not in June but sometime before the end of summer. And if not, we will work something out somehow.

We have to teach our kids, and ourselves really, that we aren't in control. We make plans and God really has to have a good laugh at us. We have no idea what's coming. We never will. So what do we do? Do we pout and go to Pityville? Nope, we adjust. We realize that even though this isn't what we expected we can make the best out of what we have. We can be thankful that it even happened rather than be mad that it isn't the end we wanted. Remember that old saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?". Chose to make lemonade no matter what. This is what we have to teach our kids. My mom taught me that. She wouldn't turn the calendar to the next day leaving work because the next day wasn't promised to her. (She suffered a lot of loss starting very early in her life) and that changed her perspective.

So to all you seniors, hang in there!

To everyone, hang in there! This is just a period of time and it will pass. Listen to the medical experts and just keep praying that what we knew as normal will be back one day. And if it isn't like it was, you know what to do......

Make Lemonade.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:1-7


We don't know what tomorrow brings and we cannot control it, all we can control is our response to it.

Chose the better.

Numb

I didn't need much thought on this title. I've been feeling a weird sort of way. You see, there's been another death in my family. Someone I will miss dearly. I haven't been handling it the way I expected to. I just feel numb. This is when every morning I have to challenge myself to wake up and quickly reverse my thinking. "There's no good reason to wake up anxious because God is still on the throne." "Why am I worrying about tomorrow when today has enough trouble of it's own?" "Stay present." "Stay focused." If I seem a little quiet to you lately it's because I'm in my head giving myself a lecture. I went to church Sunday just drained. I had very good reason to be. I buried my mother in law, went right back to the schedule, and lead worship in NY for two hours. I was drained. I left revived but it doesn't take long for that numbness to return.

My thought process is this, every one of those statements is true and I'm so thankful that the reality of faith is not dependent on my feelings. I am incredibly grateful for that because I find in this numbness I am just mellow and quiet and reflect. Reality is that no matter what I coming my way, even if it's a hard lesson, I will be ok through it because Your grace is enough. Your grace is sufficient.

Then I will notice something that makes me smile. A baby laughing. Cute dogs, I love dogs, I have many dogs (just five), a gorgeous fall tree, one can never see enough gorgeous fall trees. And I realize that laughing is good. I try to look for the little blessings. I praise Him in the storm. Sounds a little cliche but it's true.

So remember, no matter how we wake up, whatever funk we start to feel, remember that's not from God. It's a distraction. Stay focused. Praise Him in the storm.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

There have many times in my life when fear tends to get the best of me. Early in my faith there was a car accident. I didn't want to leave the safety of my house. I often didn't. I didn't have a child then so it was very easy to hole up in my house for a long period of time.

Then there was 9/11. I didn't want to leave the house again. I was pregnant with my daughter so I definitely couldn't always stay in but it was much easier than now.

I could write a book about the times I've been afraid to step out in faith because I worried. Worry can consume me.

There are many times I will go some place and somebody will tell me what I've done. I will stand there puzzled wondering how they knew. It was always facebook, or twitter, or instagram. I joked that I live a very public life.

I left ministry at a church in April. It was just time regardless of what was happening and I knew it. I fought it. However, before I was tied up every Sunday I had a ministry of special music and I loved that. Hearing different pastors every week. Meeting people and sharing together. I am thankful I get to do that again. As I opened up my public facebook page and started typing about this Sunday I started to think, what if.....

You see, I knew Christina Grimmie. Her mother was my Matron of Honor when I got married. She is the one who led me to the Lord and I will eternally be grateful. Her parents are my daughters Godparents. I won't pretend that I've seen Christina or her family since they moved to California, life just gets funny sometimes, but I still remember when she and her brother were born. Marcus and Christina are on my refrigerator from my daughters first birthday party. I know the family well and my heart is breaking for them. My heart broke. It still is. It still doesn't seem real. What happened to her was my "what if."

What if I post where I'm going to be or I check in and someone who hates Christians shows up. It's something I've struggled with the last few weeks. My very public life has gotten to be not so public. Sadly, it is because I've afraid.

The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It really is false. We can get so wrapped up in worry and fear and being scared we forget that we are doing Kingdom work and ultimately, regardless of anyone, God is still in control. He always has been and He alone will always be. I can worry or I can pray. I can be scared or I can live. I can fear and lose my faith in God being sovereign. The enemy longs to keep us so distracted and off balance that we forget what we are called in Christ to do.

I can't remember how many times in the Bible fear is referenced but here are a few:

Isaiah 35:4 say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution he will come to save you.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 118:8 The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?


Does that mean that bad things won't happen. Of course not. I've already dealt with bad from losing both of my parents and being diagnosed with an incurable crippling disease, but, one thing has always been true and that will always remain, the Lord is with me always. Through anything. So if I leave my worries in prayer I can not be afraid of the fear in my head that comes from nothing good. That is not of the Lord.

Stand. Be Strong. Remember that you are a child of God. Remember that the Lord is always with you.

Blessings,
Jacqui

Perfect Peace

My reading this morning during my devotion took me to Isaiah 26. Verse 3 just about jumped off the page this morning. I've read this verse many times before. This morning three words were new to me:

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.

Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.

Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.

I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.

Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.

Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.

But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.

All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.

A Beautiful You Retreat at Camp Ashmere

I think I've delayed so long writing this entry because I honestly miss that weekend on the lake. Lake Ashmere in Hinsdale, Massachusetts is an amazingly beautiful place. But as I am hunkering down to prepare for next weekends coffeehouse in Staten Island I knew I had some songs to learn, especially the one I learned I listened to on loop at retreat.

Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.

In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.

One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."

We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.

The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.

Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.

And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.

A kiss from my Creator.

Proverbs 1

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 ESV

This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.

I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.

Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.

Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),

How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.

Now in the EXB,

Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).

DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.

I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:

In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.

I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.

Don't dispise discipline.

Incredible Season

My parents are both gone. My mother passed in 2005. I sang at her funeral. A 4Him version of It Is Well. It's funny because I haven't sung that song since. I don't know why. I actually love it. I'm not overly fond of hymns (no hate mail please) but this is one I really like. I've sang other songs from her funeral since then but "It is Well", never. I'm going to have to be sure to put it in our service on Sunday.

A few years after I saw Nichole Nordeman at King's Christian School. While she sang Every Season I remember just having an emotional moment, remembering my mom, thinking how this could have been the song I sang because it was perfect.

Five years later I was faced with that same exact situation. This time I lost my dad. I knew I had to sing for his funeral just like my mothers. It's so difficult to sing at funerals ,but, an army friend while deployed told me before to think of it as one last gift. That's how I approached it. I could break down afterwards. And believe me, I always did.

Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors. Ironically, both of my parents died in the fall. My mother in late September and my father in late October. I remember learning Every Season and looking out my back door at the most beautiful of fall trees. I played it repeatedly for over a week. I wanted to make sure I could get through it. The hardest audience was when it was just me, my husband, and my dad at the funeral home.

I played that song so many times since. I played it again for my aunts funeral just a few short years ago. I can't think of a time I haven't had it in my set list.

My daughter had a dance competition in Lancaster, PA this past weekend. I knew Nichole Nordeman was going to be playing a concert there but I can't leave my daughter right? Well, the Lord just works. A week before I found out she would be finished for the day at 1pm so I came home and quickly grabbed some tickets including a couple Platinum packages (it must have been a sign as my daughter won two platinums for her solos). I had met Nichole before and so I knew this would be an awesome experience. She is just so down to earth and real. I like real.

The meet and greet was awesome. She came out casual, apologizing for being comfortable (I'm always comfortable). I asked her to tell me the story again about Every Season and how she came to write it and mentioned how I sang it for my dads funeral (and forgot to mention my Aunts as well). She asked if I got through it without crying, I said "yuppers", then the unimaginable happened, she asked if I would sing it with her. OMG. YES! I was so nervous on the first verse but by the second I was just into the music, the lyrics, feeling the Holy Spirit. What an experience.

So now, if you come to hear me play, you won't just hear the story of learning this song for such a sad time as my fathers funeral. You will hear me end with the incredible blessing of singing it with the songwriter, my favorite musician, Nichole Nordeman.


I am beyond blessed in this new season of my life.

Fear much?

I remember my very first time playing for service. I was a new Christian of less than a year. The church where I was saved was losing their piano player. My friend went there and knew I had studied piano for years so she asked if I would give it a try. My first thought was "but I don't even have a piano." I hadn't played for years and years and more importantly I AM SCARED. Not having a piano wasn't intentional, I had just gotten married and moved into an apartment and there was no room for a piano. I ended up practicing at church for years until I could get my own again.

Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.

I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.

I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.

James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.

There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.

My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.

There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.

I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.

Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.

Jesus Makes Us Brave.

Nice to meet you

I've been reading a book called the Creative Call. It instructs the artist to write everyday. That's how this idea was born. I am such a social media person it just makes sense.

My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.

So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.

I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.