Coincidence? Nah, my God is Still in Control

I've been doing a good bit of beating myself up since I seem to have the motivation of a sloth since this "shelter at home" order has started. I should be rehearsing, I'm not motivated. I should be practice, but I don't want to. I should be exercising more, but working out to video isn't as fun as playing tennis. I should be eating better, I don't really eat that bad so why should I?

There have been a million excuses of late.

I got an email saying Jesus Culture released new music. So I went and checked it out on Itunes. I listened to a couple songs, and so far I'm truly digging it. This morning I decided to listen to a song or two after devotion time and I landed on the song Still in Control. I immediately looked up chords and found it originally written in A (yes, my best range). Suddenly I have motivation. Not to mention all these consecutive days of rain are really making me appreciate when the sun is shining.

Most important;y above all, it is my reminder, My God Is Still In Control.

Yea, he really is. Everything seems so out of control right now, but I can take peace in knowing that it doesn't really matter how I feel, and it doesn't matter if I'm having a blue moment, and it doesn't matter that the finish line is not in sight, I just need to trust in the one who sees this finish line. That even when my motivation is lacking, in God's perfect timing I will have new motivation.

When I was in my car accident a friend told me to enjoy the downtime. I have to admit I got quite mad. Why on earth would I enjoy being injured? That's not what she meant. I understand that now. We spend so much time running the hamster wheel we just don't always take time to just be. We are finishing up the school year, I teach history online, and I'm so busy on the tough subjects that it is literally all I've been doing. Well class prep and disinfecting. We need to do the same now. I don't like being still and I really miss the tennis courts, but, last night, I put down the history book, made some popcorn, and grabbed a puzzle. Just relaxed, which I have a hard time giving my permission to do.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.....

When Life Throws You Lemons, a COVID Post

I keep telling myself to blog more, I mean, after all, I'm getting much more time with much less running these days, just like everyone else in NJ. So today is the day.

We, as humans, always think we have control. And if you are like me, just keeping it real, I am a control freak about 80% of the time. Probably more but I'm being generous. You should see my calendar on my phone. It's even color-coded. Light purple goes to music. Dark purple for ministry solo events and also for church Worship team. And then yellow is for tennis. Light yellow is Jana's events or practice and dark yellow is for officiating. Gray is Jana's dance schedule whether it's her classes or private lessons for her solos. Blue means something fun, that last blue on my calendar was seeing the last Pittsburgh Penguins game in NJ playing the Devils. I'm sharing all of this because if you know me personally you know we don't stay still. Ever. We're constantly on the move. So even if I don't take the time to read my calendar (which I usually do honestly) the colors give me a very quick reference.

And yet here we are not moving, on a shelter at home order from the state of NJ. Going out consists of picking up necessities and that is it. I've only been this still once before in my life. After my car accident when I was on bed rest. Worst of all, I have a senior student and when I think about how this is affecting her I can cry, I'm literally tearing up right now. But my goal as her mom is to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, it stinks for you, but life isn't always fair and that's just the way it is. Life will throw things at you and how you respond makes all the difference. I am by no means the best parent but our conversations have gone like this. I know this sucks for you but people are getting sick, it really sucks for them. Yes, I know this is unfair, but people are losing family members and they can't even be with them! It's really awful for them. It's all about perspective.

We found out that one of her dreams is gone. Not that her team advancing to nationals was a given by any means. But I had confidence her new advanced team would compete well at sectionals to hopefully get there. This is her last year as a junior as she becomes a collegiate player in the fall. Tough break. Was she sad sure, but instead of focusing on Nationals being gone she's hoping that at least she can play in Sectionals.

Though Jana (pronounced Yonna) is a competitive tennis player, dance has been a major part of her life. She has danced since she was 2 1/2. She has literally grown up on stage (just like her mom). Honestly, I've been on edge and anxious because I knew the inevitable was coming. Today we got the news the season is done. I read the letter from her directors and the tears started to come. This is her lasts. Her last competitions, her last solos. Her final bow for her dance life (though I can totally see her dancing the rest of her life). But in that rain came some sunshine and our perspective is remade. We're paused. She gets to do it again next year so it's a senior year plus for dance. YAY. Hopefully, graduation will continue as well. Definitely not in June but sometime before the end of summer. And if not, we will work something out somehow.

We have to teach our kids, and ourselves really, that we aren't in control. We make plans and God really has to have a good laugh at us. We have no idea what's coming. We never will. So what do we do? Do we pout and go to Pityville? Nope, we adjust. We realize that even though this isn't what we expected we can make the best out of what we have. We can be thankful that it even happened rather than be mad that it isn't the end we wanted. Remember that old saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?". Chose to make lemonade no matter what. This is what we have to teach our kids. My mom taught me that. She wouldn't turn the calendar to the next day leaving work because the next day wasn't promised to her. (She suffered a lot of loss starting very early in her life) and that changed her perspective.

So to all you seniors, hang in there!

To everyone, hang in there! This is just a period of time and it will pass. Listen to the medical experts and just keep praying that what we knew as normal will be back one day. And if it isn't like it was, you know what to do......

Make Lemonade.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:1-7


We don't know what tomorrow brings and we cannot control it, all we can control is our response to it.

Chose the better.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Maybe you're like me, sitting back and shaking your head wondering how it got to be December and almost a new year already. Seems like the year just started and now it is closing. Time truly flies.

Something I've been learning over this advent season from my devotional (Chris Tomlin has a great one on YouVersion), Obedience always leads to Jesus. It's pretty simple really, but, something I struggle with as my flesh wants to just follow me. So that is going to be my New Years Resolution (if you believe in that sort of thing). Maybe we should call it a goal, a very good goal. A goal to stop trying to do things on my own without consulting God. A goal to really focus on studying the Word more. A goal of letting all bitterness go (not easy but extremely necessary).

I have always wanted to play and sing for my daughter while she dances and thankfully this Christmas Eve that finally happened. We heard a Christmas song we just absolutely fell in love with. Not a tradition song. Chris Tomlin's Winter Snow. I had a few days to get it done and fully trusted that in faith it would be. My daughter practiced with me a few times. It was such an honor to do this with her on one of my favorite nights of the year. I will post a link to the video on You Tube. I asked my husband to focus on my daughter because I couldn't watch and wanted to afterwards.

So Merry Christmas to all and may this coming year be blessed. No matter what happens, good or bad, just cling to the Lord. His love never fails.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCpLM8L9kZc

Proverbs 1

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 ESV

This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.

I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.

Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.

Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),

How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.

Now in the EXB,

Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).

DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.

I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:

In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.

I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.

Don't dispise discipline.

I Can Do All Things, Tomorrow is a Big Day For Me!

Anyone who has ever been sick knows one of the worst parts is not being able to do what you want to do. Not being able to be at the office, or spend time with your family, those types of things. Living with a disease is no different. Today I am writing one blog post for both pages today. One for Rheumatoidblogger and the other for my Worship Leaders Blog. Though they are always entwined together just as my life is (I am a Christian Rheumatic after all), this post has to be.

Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.

Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.

For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.

I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.

New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,

STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Only Human

I've been having a string of "those days". You know, we all have them, and when they come together in a nice little string it's really stressful. It's like a little prepackaged beautiful box of stress perfectly designed to push all on my buttons.

As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.

You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.

Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.

Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).

I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.

The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.