When Life Throws You Lemons, a COVID Post

I keep telling myself to blog more, I mean, after all, I'm getting much more time with much less running these days, just like everyone else in NJ. So today is the day.

We, as humans, always think we have control. And if you are like me, just keeping it real, I am a control freak about 80% of the time. Probably more but I'm being generous. You should see my calendar on my phone. It's even color-coded. Light purple goes to music. Dark purple for ministry solo events and also for church Worship team. And then yellow is for tennis. Light yellow is Jana's events or practice and dark yellow is for officiating. Gray is Jana's dance schedule whether it's her classes or private lessons for her solos. Blue means something fun, that last blue on my calendar was seeing the last Pittsburgh Penguins game in NJ playing the Devils. I'm sharing all of this because if you know me personally you know we don't stay still. Ever. We're constantly on the move. So even if I don't take the time to read my calendar (which I usually do honestly) the colors give me a very quick reference.

And yet here we are not moving, on a shelter at home order from the state of NJ. Going out consists of picking up necessities and that is it. I've only been this still once before in my life. After my car accident when I was on bed rest. Worst of all, I have a senior student and when I think about how this is affecting her I can cry, I'm literally tearing up right now. But my goal as her mom is to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, it stinks for you, but life isn't always fair and that's just the way it is. Life will throw things at you and how you respond makes all the difference. I am by no means the best parent but our conversations have gone like this. I know this sucks for you but people are getting sick, it really sucks for them. Yes, I know this is unfair, but people are losing family members and they can't even be with them! It's really awful for them. It's all about perspective.

We found out that one of her dreams is gone. Not that her team advancing to nationals was a given by any means. But I had confidence her new advanced team would compete well at sectionals to hopefully get there. This is her last year as a junior as she becomes a collegiate player in the fall. Tough break. Was she sad sure, but instead of focusing on Nationals being gone she's hoping that at least she can play in Sectionals.

Though Jana (pronounced Yonna) is a competitive tennis player, dance has been a major part of her life. She has danced since she was 2 1/2. She has literally grown up on stage (just like her mom). Honestly, I've been on edge and anxious because I knew the inevitable was coming. Today we got the news the season is done. I read the letter from her directors and the tears started to come. This is her lasts. Her last competitions, her last solos. Her final bow for her dance life (though I can totally see her dancing the rest of her life). But in that rain came some sunshine and our perspective is remade. We're paused. She gets to do it again next year so it's a senior year plus for dance. YAY. Hopefully, graduation will continue as well. Definitely not in June but sometime before the end of summer. And if not, we will work something out somehow.

We have to teach our kids, and ourselves really, that we aren't in control. We make plans and God really has to have a good laugh at us. We have no idea what's coming. We never will. So what do we do? Do we pout and go to Pityville? Nope, we adjust. We realize that even though this isn't what we expected we can make the best out of what we have. We can be thankful that it even happened rather than be mad that it isn't the end we wanted. Remember that old saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?". Chose to make lemonade no matter what. This is what we have to teach our kids. My mom taught me that. She wouldn't turn the calendar to the next day leaving work because the next day wasn't promised to her. (She suffered a lot of loss starting very early in her life) and that changed her perspective.

So to all you seniors, hang in there!

To everyone, hang in there! This is just a period of time and it will pass. Listen to the medical experts and just keep praying that what we knew as normal will be back one day. And if it isn't like it was, you know what to do......

Make Lemonade.

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:1-7


We don't know what tomorrow brings and we cannot control it, all we can control is our response to it.

Chose the better.

What's In A Name?

I was honored to play keys in my church worship band today. We always do a Worship Team devotional time and today I got to lead. I spent last night looking for something to share, even dusted off some devotionals from my shelves. Once I got to church I got into a conversation before rehearsal about names. I am named after my dad's sister (whom I've never met as she died tragically young) and my mom. She was named after people too. That's how it was in my parent's generation, you passed on names, they have meaning and remembrance.

Then I realized I was meant to share my morning Advent devotional written by Janell Keith "The GIft of Names". Our team can get into heavy devotionals back there sometimes and but this was a light one. I shared that one of my very favorite names for Jesus is Immanuel. God With Us. What we found was for almost all of us our name directly reflected the truth of God on our lives. For instance, my daughter's name means "Gracious Gift of God." She was a miracle baby, one day maybe I'll share that God story. She truly is a gift of God and I know that. Another name meant "Giver of Light" and I had just learned 20 minutes before that she was a missionary. Here's another amazing one, our drummer's name meant "Time Keeper." How about that, he's one of the best too.

Another interesting thought was our favorite names for Jesus. There are so many. Jehovah-Jireh has been one of my favorites and definitely not because of the old Choral song in the '80s. Jehovah Rapha was another. God is definitely our healer. Prince of Peace held special meaning for our rhythm guitarist. There's also Savior, Redeemer, Messiah, Lord, Creator, Son of God, Only Begotten Son, Beloved Son, Head of the Church, King of Kings, Mighty God, Counselor, True Vine, Dayspring, Lion of Judah (that old chorus I love, however), Bright and Morning Star, The Truth, The Life, The Way, Light of the World, and many many more.

On my Christmas tree is Adornaments. They are probably about 15 years old. Each is a symbol of the name of Jesus. A candle, A door, a lion, etc. I remember talking about them with my daughter when she was little. It was really important to me that she remembers why we celebrated Christmas. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the shopping and lights and decorations.

Isaiah 9:6. 6 For a child is born to us, A son is given to us, And the government Is upon His shoulder; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.

Numb

I didn't need much thought on this title. I've been feeling a weird sort of way. You see, there's been another death in my family. Someone I will miss dearly. I haven't been handling it the way I expected to. I just feel numb. This is when every morning I have to challenge myself to wake up and quickly reverse my thinking. "There's no good reason to wake up anxious because God is still on the throne." "Why am I worrying about tomorrow when today has enough trouble of it's own?" "Stay present." "Stay focused." If I seem a little quiet to you lately it's because I'm in my head giving myself a lecture. I went to church Sunday just drained. I had very good reason to be. I buried my mother in law, went right back to the schedule, and lead worship in NY for two hours. I was drained. I left revived but it doesn't take long for that numbness to return.

My thought process is this, every one of those statements is true and I'm so thankful that the reality of faith is not dependent on my feelings. I am incredibly grateful for that because I find in this numbness I am just mellow and quiet and reflect. Reality is that no matter what I coming my way, even if it's a hard lesson, I will be ok through it because Your grace is enough. Your grace is sufficient.

Then I will notice something that makes me smile. A baby laughing. Cute dogs, I love dogs, I have many dogs (just five), a gorgeous fall tree, one can never see enough gorgeous fall trees. And I realize that laughing is good. I try to look for the little blessings. I praise Him in the storm. Sounds a little cliche but it's true.

So remember, no matter how we wake up, whatever funk we start to feel, remember that's not from God. It's a distraction. Stay focused. Praise Him in the storm.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

There have many times in my life when fear tends to get the best of me. Early in my faith there was a car accident. I didn't want to leave the safety of my house. I often didn't. I didn't have a child then so it was very easy to hole up in my house for a long period of time.

Then there was 9/11. I didn't want to leave the house again. I was pregnant with my daughter so I definitely couldn't always stay in but it was much easier than now.

I could write a book about the times I've been afraid to step out in faith because I worried. Worry can consume me.

There are many times I will go some place and somebody will tell me what I've done. I will stand there puzzled wondering how they knew. It was always facebook, or twitter, or instagram. I joked that I live a very public life.

I left ministry at a church in April. It was just time regardless of what was happening and I knew it. I fought it. However, before I was tied up every Sunday I had a ministry of special music and I loved that. Hearing different pastors every week. Meeting people and sharing together. I am thankful I get to do that again. As I opened up my public facebook page and started typing about this Sunday I started to think, what if.....

You see, I knew Christina Grimmie. Her mother was my Matron of Honor when I got married. She is the one who led me to the Lord and I will eternally be grateful. Her parents are my daughters Godparents. I won't pretend that I've seen Christina or her family since they moved to California, life just gets funny sometimes, but I still remember when she and her brother were born. Marcus and Christina are on my refrigerator from my daughters first birthday party. I know the family well and my heart is breaking for them. My heart broke. It still is. It still doesn't seem real. What happened to her was my "what if."

What if I post where I'm going to be or I check in and someone who hates Christians shows up. It's something I've struggled with the last few weeks. My very public life has gotten to be not so public. Sadly, it is because I've afraid.

The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It really is false. We can get so wrapped up in worry and fear and being scared we forget that we are doing Kingdom work and ultimately, regardless of anyone, God is still in control. He always has been and He alone will always be. I can worry or I can pray. I can be scared or I can live. I can fear and lose my faith in God being sovereign. The enemy longs to keep us so distracted and off balance that we forget what we are called in Christ to do.

I can't remember how many times in the Bible fear is referenced but here are a few:

Isaiah 35:4 say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution he will come to save you.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 118:8 The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?


Does that mean that bad things won't happen. Of course not. I've already dealt with bad from losing both of my parents and being diagnosed with an incurable crippling disease, but, one thing has always been true and that will always remain, the Lord is with me always. Through anything. So if I leave my worries in prayer I can not be afraid of the fear in my head that comes from nothing good. That is not of the Lord.

Stand. Be Strong. Remember that you are a child of God. Remember that the Lord is always with you.

Blessings,
Jacqui

Perfect Peace

My reading this morning during my devotion took me to Isaiah 26. Verse 3 just about jumped off the page this morning. I've read this verse many times before. This morning three words were new to me:

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.

Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.

Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.

I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.

Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.

Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.

But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.

All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.

A Beautiful You Retreat at Camp Ashmere

I think I've delayed so long writing this entry because I honestly miss that weekend on the lake. Lake Ashmere in Hinsdale, Massachusetts is an amazingly beautiful place. But as I am hunkering down to prepare for next weekends coffeehouse in Staten Island I knew I had some songs to learn, especially the one I learned I listened to on loop at retreat.

Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.

In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.

One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."

We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.

The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.

Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.

And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.

A kiss from my Creator.