Fear much?

I remember my very first time playing for service. I was a new Christian of less than a year. The church where I was saved was losing their piano player. My friend went there and knew I had studied piano for years so she asked if I would give it a try. My first thought was "but I don't even have a piano." I hadn't played for years and years and more importantly I AM SCARED. Not having a piano wasn't intentional, I had just gotten married and moved into an apartment and there was no room for a piano. I ended up practicing at church for years until I could get my own again.

Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.

I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.

I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.

James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.

There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.

My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.

There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.

I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.

Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.

Jesus Makes Us Brave.