I've been doing a good bit of beating myself up since I seem to have the motivation of a sloth since this "shelter at home" order has started. I should be rehearsing, I'm not motivated. I should be practice, but I don't want to. I should be exercising more, but working out to video isn't as fun as playing tennis. I should be eating better, I don't really eat that bad so why should I?
There have been a million excuses of late.
I got an email saying Jesus Culture released new music. So I went and checked it out on Itunes. I listened to a couple songs, and so far I'm truly digging it. This morning I decided to listen to a song or two after devotion time and I landed on the song Still in Control. I immediately looked up chords and found it originally written in A (yes, my best range). Suddenly I have motivation. Not to mention all these consecutive days of rain are really making me appreciate when the sun is shining.
Most important;y above all, it is my reminder, My God Is Still In Control.
Yea, he really is. Everything seems so out of control right now, but I can take peace in knowing that it doesn't really matter how I feel, and it doesn't matter if I'm having a blue moment, and it doesn't matter that the finish line is not in sight, I just need to trust in the one who sees this finish line. That even when my motivation is lacking, in God's perfect timing I will have new motivation.
When I was in my car accident a friend told me to enjoy the downtime. I have to admit I got quite mad. Why on earth would I enjoy being injured? That's not what she meant. I understand that now. We spend so much time running the hamster wheel we just don't always take time to just be. We are finishing up the school year, I teach history online, and I'm so busy on the tough subjects that it is literally all I've been doing. Well class prep and disinfecting. We need to do the same now. I don't like being still and I really miss the tennis courts, but, last night, I put down the history book, made some popcorn, and grabbed a puzzle. Just relaxed, which I have a hard time giving my permission to do.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.....
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Friday, April 24, 2020
When Life Throws You Lemons, a COVID Post
I keep telling myself to blog more, I mean, after all, I'm getting much more time with much less running these days, just like everyone else in NJ. So today is the day.
We, as humans, always think we have control. And if you are like me, just keeping it real, I am a control freak about 80% of the time. Probably more but I'm being generous. You should see my calendar on my phone. It's even color-coded. Light purple goes to music. Dark purple for ministry solo events and also for church Worship team. And then yellow is for tennis. Light yellow is Jana's events or practice and dark yellow is for officiating. Gray is Jana's dance schedule whether it's her classes or private lessons for her solos. Blue means something fun, that last blue on my calendar was seeing the last Pittsburgh Penguins game in NJ playing the Devils. I'm sharing all of this because if you know me personally you know we don't stay still. Ever. We're constantly on the move. So even if I don't take the time to read my calendar (which I usually do honestly) the colors give me a very quick reference.
And yet here we are not moving, on a shelter at home order from the state of NJ. Going out consists of picking up necessities and that is it. I've only been this still once before in my life. After my car accident when I was on bed rest. Worst of all, I have a senior student and when I think about how this is affecting her I can cry, I'm literally tearing up right now. But my goal as her mom is to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, it stinks for you, but life isn't always fair and that's just the way it is. Life will throw things at you and how you respond makes all the difference. I am by no means the best parent but our conversations have gone like this. I know this sucks for you but people are getting sick, it really sucks for them. Yes, I know this is unfair, but people are losing family members and they can't even be with them! It's really awful for them. It's all about perspective.
We found out that one of her dreams is gone. Not that her team advancing to nationals was a given by any means. But I had confidence her new advanced team would compete well at sectionals to hopefully get there. This is her last year as a junior as she becomes a collegiate player in the fall. Tough break. Was she sad sure, but instead of focusing on Nationals being gone she's hoping that at least she can play in Sectionals.
Though Jana (pronounced Yonna) is a competitive tennis player, dance has been a major part of her life. She has danced since she was 2 1/2. She has literally grown up on stage (just like her mom). Honestly, I've been on edge and anxious because I knew the inevitable was coming. Today we got the news the season is done. I read the letter from her directors and the tears started to come. This is her lasts. Her last competitions, her last solos. Her final bow for her dance life (though I can totally see her dancing the rest of her life). But in that rain came some sunshine and our perspective is remade. We're paused. She gets to do it again next year so it's a senior year plus for dance. YAY. Hopefully, graduation will continue as well. Definitely not in June but sometime before the end of summer. And if not, we will work something out somehow.
We have to teach our kids, and ourselves really, that we aren't in control. We make plans and God really has to have a good laugh at us. We have no idea what's coming. We never will. So what do we do? Do we pout and go to Pityville? Nope, we adjust. We realize that even though this isn't what we expected we can make the best out of what we have. We can be thankful that it even happened rather than be mad that it isn't the end we wanted. Remember that old saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?". Chose to make lemonade no matter what. This is what we have to teach our kids. My mom taught me that. She wouldn't turn the calendar to the next day leaving work because the next day wasn't promised to her. (She suffered a lot of loss starting very early in her life) and that changed her perspective.
So to all you seniors, hang in there!
To everyone, hang in there! This is just a period of time and it will pass. Listen to the medical experts and just keep praying that what we knew as normal will be back one day. And if it isn't like it was, you know what to do......
Make Lemonade.
Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:1-7
We don't know what tomorrow brings and we cannot control it, all we can control is our response to it.
Chose the better.
We, as humans, always think we have control. And if you are like me, just keeping it real, I am a control freak about 80% of the time. Probably more but I'm being generous. You should see my calendar on my phone. It's even color-coded. Light purple goes to music. Dark purple for ministry solo events and also for church Worship team. And then yellow is for tennis. Light yellow is Jana's events or practice and dark yellow is for officiating. Gray is Jana's dance schedule whether it's her classes or private lessons for her solos. Blue means something fun, that last blue on my calendar was seeing the last Pittsburgh Penguins game in NJ playing the Devils. I'm sharing all of this because if you know me personally you know we don't stay still. Ever. We're constantly on the move. So even if I don't take the time to read my calendar (which I usually do honestly) the colors give me a very quick reference.
And yet here we are not moving, on a shelter at home order from the state of NJ. Going out consists of picking up necessities and that is it. I've only been this still once before in my life. After my car accident when I was on bed rest. Worst of all, I have a senior student and when I think about how this is affecting her I can cry, I'm literally tearing up right now. But my goal as her mom is to try to keep this in perspective. Yes, it stinks for you, but life isn't always fair and that's just the way it is. Life will throw things at you and how you respond makes all the difference. I am by no means the best parent but our conversations have gone like this. I know this sucks for you but people are getting sick, it really sucks for them. Yes, I know this is unfair, but people are losing family members and they can't even be with them! It's really awful for them. It's all about perspective.
We found out that one of her dreams is gone. Not that her team advancing to nationals was a given by any means. But I had confidence her new advanced team would compete well at sectionals to hopefully get there. This is her last year as a junior as she becomes a collegiate player in the fall. Tough break. Was she sad sure, but instead of focusing on Nationals being gone she's hoping that at least she can play in Sectionals.
Though Jana (pronounced Yonna) is a competitive tennis player, dance has been a major part of her life. She has danced since she was 2 1/2. She has literally grown up on stage (just like her mom). Honestly, I've been on edge and anxious because I knew the inevitable was coming. Today we got the news the season is done. I read the letter from her directors and the tears started to come. This is her lasts. Her last competitions, her last solos. Her final bow for her dance life (though I can totally see her dancing the rest of her life). But in that rain came some sunshine and our perspective is remade. We're paused. She gets to do it again next year so it's a senior year plus for dance. YAY. Hopefully, graduation will continue as well. Definitely not in June but sometime before the end of summer. And if not, we will work something out somehow.
We have to teach our kids, and ourselves really, that we aren't in control. We make plans and God really has to have a good laugh at us. We have no idea what's coming. We never will. So what do we do? Do we pout and go to Pityville? Nope, we adjust. We realize that even though this isn't what we expected we can make the best out of what we have. We can be thankful that it even happened rather than be mad that it isn't the end we wanted. Remember that old saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?". Chose to make lemonade no matter what. This is what we have to teach our kids. My mom taught me that. She wouldn't turn the calendar to the next day leaving work because the next day wasn't promised to her. (She suffered a lot of loss starting very early in her life) and that changed her perspective.
So to all you seniors, hang in there!
To everyone, hang in there! This is just a period of time and it will pass. Listen to the medical experts and just keep praying that what we knew as normal will be back one day. And if it isn't like it was, you know what to do......
Make Lemonade.
Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:1-7
We don't know what tomorrow brings and we cannot control it, all we can control is our response to it.
Chose the better.
Sunday, December 15, 2019
What's In A Name?
I was honored to play keys in my church worship band today. We always do a Worship Team devotional time and today I got to lead. I spent last night looking for something to share, even dusted off some devotionals from my shelves. Once I got to church I got into a conversation before rehearsal about names. I am named after my dad's sister (whom I've never met as she died tragically young) and my mom. She was named after people too. That's how it was in my parent's generation, you passed on names, they have meaning and remembrance.
Then I realized I was meant to share my morning Advent devotional written by Janell Keith "The GIft of Names". Our team can get into heavy devotionals back there sometimes and but this was a light one. I shared that one of my very favorite names for Jesus is Immanuel. God With Us. What we found was for almost all of us our name directly reflected the truth of God on our lives. For instance, my daughter's name means "Gracious Gift of God." She was a miracle baby, one day maybe I'll share that God story. She truly is a gift of God and I know that. Another name meant "Giver of Light" and I had just learned 20 minutes before that she was a missionary. Here's another amazing one, our drummer's name meant "Time Keeper." How about that, he's one of the best too.
Another interesting thought was our favorite names for Jesus. There are so many. Jehovah-Jireh has been one of my favorites and definitely not because of the old Choral song in the '80s. Jehovah Rapha was another. God is definitely our healer. Prince of Peace held special meaning for our rhythm guitarist. There's also Savior, Redeemer, Messiah, Lord, Creator, Son of God, Only Begotten Son, Beloved Son, Head of the Church, King of Kings, Mighty God, Counselor, True Vine, Dayspring, Lion of Judah (that old chorus I love, however), Bright and Morning Star, The Truth, The Life, The Way, Light of the World, and many many more.
On my Christmas tree is Adornaments. They are probably about 15 years old. Each is a symbol of the name of Jesus. A candle, A door, a lion, etc. I remember talking about them with my daughter when she was little. It was really important to me that she remembers why we celebrated Christmas. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the shopping and lights and decorations.
Isaiah 9:6. 6 For a child is born to us, A son is given to us, And the government Is upon His shoulder; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.
Then I realized I was meant to share my morning Advent devotional written by Janell Keith "The GIft of Names". Our team can get into heavy devotionals back there sometimes and but this was a light one. I shared that one of my very favorite names for Jesus is Immanuel. God With Us. What we found was for almost all of us our name directly reflected the truth of God on our lives. For instance, my daughter's name means "Gracious Gift of God." She was a miracle baby, one day maybe I'll share that God story. She truly is a gift of God and I know that. Another name meant "Giver of Light" and I had just learned 20 minutes before that she was a missionary. Here's another amazing one, our drummer's name meant "Time Keeper." How about that, he's one of the best too.
Another interesting thought was our favorite names for Jesus. There are so many. Jehovah-Jireh has been one of my favorites and definitely not because of the old Choral song in the '80s. Jehovah Rapha was another. God is definitely our healer. Prince of Peace held special meaning for our rhythm guitarist. There's also Savior, Redeemer, Messiah, Lord, Creator, Son of God, Only Begotten Son, Beloved Son, Head of the Church, King of Kings, Mighty God, Counselor, True Vine, Dayspring, Lion of Judah (that old chorus I love, however), Bright and Morning Star, The Truth, The Life, The Way, Light of the World, and many many more.
On my Christmas tree is Adornaments. They are probably about 15 years old. Each is a symbol of the name of Jesus. A candle, A door, a lion, etc. I remember talking about them with my daughter when she was little. It was really important to me that she remembers why we celebrated Christmas. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the shopping and lights and decorations.
Isaiah 9:6. 6 For a child is born to us, A son is given to us, And the government Is upon His shoulder; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Numb
I didn't need much thought on this title. I've been feeling a weird sort of way. You see, there's been another death in my family. Someone I will miss dearly. I haven't been handling it the way I expected to. I just feel numb. This is when every morning I have to challenge myself to wake up and quickly reverse my thinking. "There's no good reason to wake up anxious because God is still on the throne." "Why am I worrying about tomorrow when today has enough trouble of it's own?" "Stay present." "Stay focused." If I seem a little quiet to you lately it's because I'm in my head giving myself a lecture. I went to church Sunday just drained. I had very good reason to be. I buried my mother in law, went right back to the schedule, and lead worship in NY for two hours. I was drained. I left revived but it doesn't take long for that numbness to return.
My thought process is this, every one of those statements is true and I'm so thankful that the reality of faith is not dependent on my feelings. I am incredibly grateful for that because I find in this numbness I am just mellow and quiet and reflect. Reality is that no matter what I coming my way, even if it's a hard lesson, I will be ok through it because Your grace is enough. Your grace is sufficient.
Then I will notice something that makes me smile. A baby laughing. Cute dogs, I love dogs, I have many dogs (just five), a gorgeous fall tree, one can never see enough gorgeous fall trees. And I realize that laughing is good. I try to look for the little blessings. I praise Him in the storm. Sounds a little cliche but it's true.
So remember, no matter how we wake up, whatever funk we start to feel, remember that's not from God. It's a distraction. Stay focused. Praise Him in the storm.
My thought process is this, every one of those statements is true and I'm so thankful that the reality of faith is not dependent on my feelings. I am incredibly grateful for that because I find in this numbness I am just mellow and quiet and reflect. Reality is that no matter what I coming my way, even if it's a hard lesson, I will be ok through it because Your grace is enough. Your grace is sufficient.
Then I will notice something that makes me smile. A baby laughing. Cute dogs, I love dogs, I have many dogs (just five), a gorgeous fall tree, one can never see enough gorgeous fall trees. And I realize that laughing is good. I try to look for the little blessings. I praise Him in the storm. Sounds a little cliche but it's true.
So remember, no matter how we wake up, whatever funk we start to feel, remember that's not from God. It's a distraction. Stay focused. Praise Him in the storm.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Revival
I am writing this post from Lancaster, PA. I am spending the weekend with Alpha Baptist Church leading worship for their retreat. I love retreats. They are a chance to get away from home and refocus. Life can be busy and intense. It's been awesome to learn some new music, I am generally not a gospel musician, however, I am classically trained so I can play anything. It's refreshing to get outside of the normal.
Our speakers this weekend have been fantastic. Our message was 1 John 5:14 14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. Pray on purpose.
I read a book a long time ago where someone described their prayer life as an open-ended conversation that started in the morning and ending when she went to sleep. That's exactly it. We should be praying all day, all the time, all occasions. I admit I don't always do that. I try to. It's also important to make sure my heart is open to God so I can be assigned to complete what He has for me. If I don't do that......well you get where that is going. When our hearts are open we receive courage to do new things, God pulls us out of our comfort zone. In fact, I had some nerves coming this weekend, but, in obedience, I knew I was meant to be here. So I came. And I was blessed, in many many ways.
For over a year I snuck in and out of church hoping not to be noticed, and more importantly, that no one would notice the piano charm that I wear. I left my previous church very disheartened. Not just with music, but, also with my faith, and I have to be completely honest, this last election finished me off. I just wanted to keep my space, hear a little Word of God and leave. Well, God had other plans for me. I am officially back on a worship team and the experience has been incredible. Pulling me out of my comfort zone.
I leave with a renewed conviction to dive into music more and prepare for the next...New Hope Cafe November 10th. Staten Island. I will keep my heart open to hear God's assignment for me. I will leave to use my voice to sing your praises. I will be available to go where you send me. I will be blogging quite often again because to share what is on my heart almost solidifies.
God has work for me to do.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
God Will Send Reminders
I don't know about you but I had a wonderful week. Sarcasm included. The last few have been tough, but this week my health kicked in and the attack began.
I'm rheumatic, I've said that before, but, I will always continue to shout out about this disease. People need to know the reality of it. It's complex and ugly. Monday I will say I had a crash. Felt like I was on chemotherapy again. A depressed state hit and I could not get out of it. Unexplainable really. I started learning this new songcalled Do It Again by Elevation Worship and everytime I got to the second verse I just had to smile because it remembered it wasn't going to last.
As a homeschooler we have always included Bible study in our curriculum. In my opinion it is the most important curriculum. We memorized scripture. The year I was diagnosed we were memorizing James.
James 1:1 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
I was quite thankful I remember this word when I truly needed it. I forgot about it until tonight at church. Sometimes life doesn't go according to my plan but that doesn't mean God is going to fail, because he never has. I have to step from what I think should happen into how God intends things to be.
So if you're striggling this week, take a walk through James. Count it all joy! Not always easy but it's all about growth.
I'm rheumatic, I've said that before, but, I will always continue to shout out about this disease. People need to know the reality of it. It's complex and ugly. Monday I will say I had a crash. Felt like I was on chemotherapy again. A depressed state hit and I could not get out of it. Unexplainable really. I started learning this new songcalled Do It Again by Elevation Worship and everytime I got to the second verse I just had to smile because it remembered it wasn't going to last.
As a homeschooler we have always included Bible study in our curriculum. In my opinion it is the most important curriculum. We memorized scripture. The year I was diagnosed we were memorizing James.
James 1:1 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
I was quite thankful I remember this word when I truly needed it. I forgot about it until tonight at church. Sometimes life doesn't go according to my plan but that doesn't mean God is going to fail, because he never has. I have to step from what I think should happen into how God intends things to be.
So if you're striggling this week, take a walk through James. Count it all joy! Not always easy but it's all about growth.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Love More and Hate Less
I started covering a secular song back in March. Stevie Wonder's Love's In Need of Love Today. Just watching the world made my heart hurt. I was schooled by Quakers so we were taught to respect others. To accept others. That doesn't necessarily mean you agree with their point of view, but you respect them enough to accept they think differently than you and love them anyway. Remember love is a verb. It's action. It is NOT a warm, fuzzy feeling.
I truly am growing weary of waking up to horrible news. It's been a difficult two months. I sleep with my tv on, I always have, my daughter does to. It acts as a filter for all other noise. It isn't so great when you wake up to horrible news. Yesterday was one of those days. I was sad. For so many reasons and it was hard to shake it the entire day. Love's in Need of Love Today. I heard that song all day and it inspired me to do something. Just to share a little happiness on a very sad day. My daughter and I went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee and donuts (and yes I know they are bad for you but a Edible Arrangement was outrageous) and took them over to our local police station. I met with one of our Officers and handed it off and told them we appreciate all that they do in our town. I know many policemen. They are great people. I am not anti-law enforcement. My father was a cop. My uncle was a cop.
Here's the tricky part that most people don't want to hear. Black Lives Matter does not mean other lives don't. It does not mean what happened in Dallas is acceptable. But since slavery time the life of black people has been treated differently. From being whipped because they didn't listen. To being raped because the master was on a power trip and had something to prove. To being lynched because a black man looked at at a white woman. Remember hoses being turned on peaceful protesters in the 1960's? Racial Profiling was big in my state. Actually lead to State Police having to retire and this is in NJ not KY. Whether you want to believe it or not this has always been in America. The difference now is everyone records everything!! Black Lives Matter is saying we are tired of the injustice. We are tired of being second class citizens. I fought my mother for years that things have changed. After all, my husband is white. We started dating in the 1980's when interracial dating was still new. We took a lot of flack from everywhere, including family. I still stood my ground that things have changed. My mother and father lived in Biloxi, Mississippi in 1954. My mother looked white and father black. He was in the Air Force. They shipped my mother down to Mississippi to keep my dad from fighting all the time. Surely what my mother saw was leftover from 1954. Not 1990 when I got married. Here's the thing, I wish my mother was still alive so I could tell her how wrong I was. Things haven't necessarily changed as much as they are more hidden. People who are my friends have reacted to the latest in lives lost by blaming the Liberal media. By posting articles of every wrong they victim has ever done as justification for a unarmed black man getting shot and killed. That shows complete lack of sympathy. That also hurts and it is coming from surprising people. This isn't a political problem yet it is being made one. Democrats against Republics. Its sickening. This is a morality problem.
I love what Law Enforcement do but in any community there is going to be bad people. I don't care if we are talking about Priests, Police, Military, Social Work, etc. People lose their way. It's pretty simple. Power corrupts, we all know that. So please keep an open mind to the plight of my people. There is validity to Black Lives Matter and to ignore it is inexcusable. Would you excuse lynching? Would you excuse slavery? Then please don't excuse that there's a race of people hurting and have truly had enough.
So my challenge for anyone reading this blog post is this.....share some love. Open your hearts and listen. Show some compassion. Do random acts of kindness. Say hello to people who pass you on the street. Smile more. Above all LOVE MORE.
1 Corinthians 13:13
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real
There have many times in my life when fear tends to get the best of me. Early in my faith there was a car accident. I didn't want to leave the safety of my house. I often didn't. I didn't have a child then so it was very easy to hole up in my house for a long period of time.
Then there was 9/11. I didn't want to leave the house again. I was pregnant with my daughter so I definitely couldn't always stay in but it was much easier than now.
I could write a book about the times I've been afraid to step out in faith because I worried. Worry can consume me.
There are many times I will go some place and somebody will tell me what I've done. I will stand there puzzled wondering how they knew. It was always facebook, or twitter, or instagram. I joked that I live a very public life.
I left ministry at a church in April. It was just time regardless of what was happening and I knew it. I fought it. However, before I was tied up every Sunday I had a ministry of special music and I loved that. Hearing different pastors every week. Meeting people and sharing together. I am thankful I get to do that again. As I opened up my public facebook page and started typing about this Sunday I started to think, what if.....
You see, I knew Christina Grimmie. Her mother was my Matron of Honor when I got married. She is the one who led me to the Lord and I will eternally be grateful. Her parents are my daughters Godparents. I won't pretend that I've seen Christina or her family since they moved to California, life just gets funny sometimes, but I still remember when she and her brother were born. Marcus and Christina are on my refrigerator from my daughters first birthday party. I know the family well and my heart is breaking for them. My heart broke. It still is. It still doesn't seem real. What happened to her was my "what if."
What if I post where I'm going to be or I check in and someone who hates Christians shows up. It's something I've struggled with the last few weeks. My very public life has gotten to be not so public. Sadly, it is because I've afraid.
The acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It really is false. We can get so wrapped up in worry and fear and being scared we forget that we are doing Kingdom work and ultimately, regardless of anyone, God is still in control. He always has been and He alone will always be. I can worry or I can pray. I can be scared or I can live. I can fear and lose my faith in God being sovereign. The enemy longs to keep us so distracted and off balance that we forget what we are called in Christ to do.
I can't remember how many times in the Bible fear is referenced but here are a few:
Isaiah 35:4 say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution he will come to save you.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 118:8 The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?
Does that mean that bad things won't happen. Of course not. I've already dealt with bad from losing both of my parents and being diagnosed with an incurable crippling disease, but, one thing has always been true and that will always remain, the Lord is with me always. Through anything. So if I leave my worries in prayer I can not be afraid of the fear in my head that comes from nothing good. That is not of the Lord.
Stand. Be Strong. Remember that you are a child of God. Remember that the Lord is always with you.
Blessings,
Jacqui
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Maybe you're like me, sitting back and shaking your head wondering how it got to be December and almost a new year already. Seems like the year just started and now it is closing. Time truly flies.
Something I've been learning over this advent season from my devotional (Chris Tomlin has a great one on YouVersion), Obedience always leads to Jesus. It's pretty simple really, but, something I struggle with as my flesh wants to just follow me. So that is going to be my New Years Resolution (if you believe in that sort of thing). Maybe we should call it a goal, a very good goal. A goal to stop trying to do things on my own without consulting God. A goal to really focus on studying the Word more. A goal of letting all bitterness go (not easy but extremely necessary).
I have always wanted to play and sing for my daughter while she dances and thankfully this Christmas Eve that finally happened. We heard a Christmas song we just absolutely fell in love with. Not a tradition song. Chris Tomlin's Winter Snow. I had a few days to get it done and fully trusted that in faith it would be. My daughter practiced with me a few times. It was such an honor to do this with her on one of my favorite nights of the year. I will post a link to the video on You Tube. I asked my husband to focus on my daughter because I couldn't watch and wanted to afterwards.
So Merry Christmas to all and may this coming year be blessed. No matter what happens, good or bad, just cling to the Lord. His love never fails.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCpLM8L9kZc
Something I've been learning over this advent season from my devotional (Chris Tomlin has a great one on YouVersion), Obedience always leads to Jesus. It's pretty simple really, but, something I struggle with as my flesh wants to just follow me. So that is going to be my New Years Resolution (if you believe in that sort of thing). Maybe we should call it a goal, a very good goal. A goal to stop trying to do things on my own without consulting God. A goal to really focus on studying the Word more. A goal of letting all bitterness go (not easy but extremely necessary).
I have always wanted to play and sing for my daughter while she dances and thankfully this Christmas Eve that finally happened. We heard a Christmas song we just absolutely fell in love with. Not a tradition song. Chris Tomlin's Winter Snow. I had a few days to get it done and fully trusted that in faith it would be. My daughter practiced with me a few times. It was such an honor to do this with her on one of my favorite nights of the year. I will post a link to the video on You Tube. I asked my husband to focus on my daughter because I couldn't watch and wanted to afterwards.
So Merry Christmas to all and may this coming year be blessed. No matter what happens, good or bad, just cling to the Lord. His love never fails.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCpLM8L9kZc
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Perfect Peace
My reading this morning during my devotion took me to Isaiah 26. Verse 3 just about jumped off the page this morning. I've read this verse many times before. This morning three words were new to me:
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.
Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.
Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.
I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.
Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.
Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.
But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.
All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.
Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.
Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.
I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.
Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.
Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.
But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.
All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
A Beautiful You Retreat at Camp Ashmere
I think I've delayed so long writing this entry because I honestly miss that weekend on the lake. Lake Ashmere in Hinsdale, Massachusetts is an amazingly beautiful place. But as I am hunkering down to prepare for next weekends coffeehouse in Staten Island I knew I had some songs to learn, especially the one I learned I listened to on loop at retreat.
Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.
In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.
One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."
We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.
The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.
Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.
And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.
A kiss from my Creator.
Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.
In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.
One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."
We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.
The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.
Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.
And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.
A kiss from my Creator.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Proverbs 1
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 ESV
This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.
I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.
Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.
Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),
How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.
Now in the EXB,
Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).
DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.
I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:
In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.
I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.
Don't dispise discipline.
This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.
I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.
Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.
Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),
How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.
Now in the EXB,
Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).
DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.
I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:
In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.
I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.
Don't dispise discipline.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
I Can Do All Things, Tomorrow is a Big Day For Me!
Anyone who has ever been sick knows one of the worst parts is not being able to do what you want to do. Not being able to be at the office, or spend time with your family, those types of things. Living with a disease is no different. Today I am writing one blog post for both pages today. One for Rheumatoidblogger and the other for my Worship Leaders Blog. Though they are always entwined together just as my life is (I am a Christian Rheumatic after all), this post has to be.
Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.
Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.
For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.
I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.
New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,
STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.
Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.
For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.
I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.
New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,
STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Proverbs
I have jumped in a facebook 31 day Proverbs challenge.
I have to admit. the book of Proverbs is probably one of my very favorite books. Short lines, directly to the point. Impossible not understand and apply. I find there are times I just remember them when I need them the most, better known as the prodding of the Holy Spirit.
I was in a head on collision years ago. I was pretty young at the time with my walk with the Lord. I had walked away from my relationship and ministry a few months before. I was pretty angry with God. I was driving to the first court hearing and as I was passing a lake bymy house and out of the blue Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I admit. I was like what? I haven't been acknowledging you at all! Proverbs will always be special for me.
So what about you? It is only day 7. It's certainly not too late to join me in the 31 day Proverbs challenge!
I have to admit. the book of Proverbs is probably one of my very favorite books. Short lines, directly to the point. Impossible not understand and apply. I find there are times I just remember them when I need them the most, better known as the prodding of the Holy Spirit.
I was in a head on collision years ago. I was pretty young at the time with my walk with the Lord. I had walked away from my relationship and ministry a few months before. I was pretty angry with God. I was driving to the first court hearing and as I was passing a lake bymy house and out of the blue Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I admit. I was like what? I haven't been acknowledging you at all! Proverbs will always be special for me.
So what about you? It is only day 7. It's certainly not too late to join me in the 31 day Proverbs challenge!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Only Human
I've been having a string of "those days". You know, we all have them, and when they come together in a nice little string it's really stressful. It's like a little prepackaged beautiful box of stress perfectly designed to push all on my buttons.
As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.
You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.
Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.
Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).
I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.
The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.
As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.
You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.
Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.
Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).
I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.
The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Incredible Season
My parents are both gone. My mother passed in 2005. I sang at her funeral. A 4Him version of It Is Well. It's funny because I haven't sung that song since. I don't know why. I actually love it. I'm not overly fond of hymns (no hate mail please) but this is one I really like. I've sang other songs from her funeral since then but "It is Well", never. I'm going to have to be sure to put it in our service on Sunday.
A few years after I saw Nichole Nordeman at King's Christian School. While she sang Every Season I remember just having an emotional moment, remembering my mom, thinking how this could have been the song I sang because it was perfect.
Five years later I was faced with that same exact situation. This time I lost my dad. I knew I had to sing for his funeral just like my mothers. It's so difficult to sing at funerals ,but, an army friend while deployed told me before to think of it as one last gift. That's how I approached it. I could break down afterwards. And believe me, I always did.
Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors. Ironically, both of my parents died in the fall. My mother in late September and my father in late October. I remember learning Every Season and looking out my back door at the most beautiful of fall trees. I played it repeatedly for over a week. I wanted to make sure I could get through it. The hardest audience was when it was just me, my husband, and my dad at the funeral home.
I played that song so many times since. I played it again for my aunts funeral just a few short years ago. I can't think of a time I haven't had it in my set list.
My daughter had a dance competition in Lancaster, PA this past weekend. I knew Nichole Nordeman was going to be playing a concert there but I can't leave my daughter right? Well, the Lord just works. A week before I found out she would be finished for the day at 1pm so I came home and quickly grabbed some tickets including a couple Platinum packages (it must have been a sign as my daughter won two platinums for her solos). I had met Nichole before and so I knew this would be an awesome experience. She is just so down to earth and real. I like real.
The meet and greet was awesome. She came out casual, apologizing for being comfortable (I'm always comfortable). I asked her to tell me the story again about Every Season and how she came to write it and mentioned how I sang it for my dads funeral (and forgot to mention my Aunts as well). She asked if I got through it without crying, I said "yuppers", then the unimaginable happened, she asked if I would sing it with her. OMG. YES! I was so nervous on the first verse but by the second I was just into the music, the lyrics, feeling the Holy Spirit. What an experience.
So now, if you come to hear me play, you won't just hear the story of learning this song for such a sad time as my fathers funeral. You will hear me end with the incredible blessing of singing it with the songwriter, my favorite musician, Nichole Nordeman.
I am beyond blessed in this new season of my life.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Fear much?
I remember my very first time playing for service. I was a new Christian of less than a year. The church where I was saved was losing their piano player. My friend went there and knew I had studied piano for years so she asked if I would give it a try. My first thought was "but I don't even have a piano." I hadn't played for years and years and more importantly I AM SCARED. Not having a piano wasn't intentional, I had just gotten married and moved into an apartment and there was no room for a piano. I ended up practicing at church for years until I could get my own again.
Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.
I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.
I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.
James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.
There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.
My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.
There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.
I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.
Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.
Jesus Makes Us Brave.
Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.
I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.
I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.
James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.
There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.
My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.
There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.
I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.
Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.
Jesus Makes Us Brave.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Nice to meet you
I've been reading a book called the Creative Call. It instructs the artist to write everyday. That's how this idea was born. I am such a social media person it just makes sense.
My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.
So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.
I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.
My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.
So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.
I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.
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