I Can Do All Things, Tomorrow is a Big Day For Me!

Anyone who has ever been sick knows one of the worst parts is not being able to do what you want to do. Not being able to be at the office, or spend time with your family, those types of things. Living with a disease is no different. Today I am writing one blog post for both pages today. One for Rheumatoidblogger and the other for my Worship Leaders Blog. Though they are always entwined together just as my life is (I am a Christian Rheumatic after all), this post has to be.

Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.

Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.

For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.

I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.

New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,

STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Proverbs

I have jumped in a facebook 31 day Proverbs challenge.

I have to admit. the book of Proverbs is probably one of my very favorite books. Short lines, directly to the point. Impossible not understand and apply. I find there are times I just remember them when I need them the most, better known as the prodding of the Holy Spirit.

I was in a head on collision years ago. I was pretty young at the time with my walk with the Lord. I had walked away from my relationship and ministry a few months before. I was pretty angry with God. I was driving to the first court hearing and as I was passing a lake bymy house and out of the blue Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.


I admit. I was like what? I haven't been acknowledging you at all! Proverbs will always be special for me.

So what about you? It is only day 7. It's certainly not too late to join me in the 31 day Proverbs challenge!

Only Human

I've been having a string of "those days". You know, we all have them, and when they come together in a nice little string it's really stressful. It's like a little prepackaged beautiful box of stress perfectly designed to push all on my buttons.

As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.

You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.

Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.

Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).

I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.

The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.

Incredible Season

My parents are both gone. My mother passed in 2005. I sang at her funeral. A 4Him version of It Is Well. It's funny because I haven't sung that song since. I don't know why. I actually love it. I'm not overly fond of hymns (no hate mail please) but this is one I really like. I've sang other songs from her funeral since then but "It is Well", never. I'm going to have to be sure to put it in our service on Sunday.

A few years after I saw Nichole Nordeman at King's Christian School. While she sang Every Season I remember just having an emotional moment, remembering my mom, thinking how this could have been the song I sang because it was perfect.

Five years later I was faced with that same exact situation. This time I lost my dad. I knew I had to sing for his funeral just like my mothers. It's so difficult to sing at funerals ,but, an army friend while deployed told me before to think of it as one last gift. That's how I approached it. I could break down afterwards. And believe me, I always did.

Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors. Ironically, both of my parents died in the fall. My mother in late September and my father in late October. I remember learning Every Season and looking out my back door at the most beautiful of fall trees. I played it repeatedly for over a week. I wanted to make sure I could get through it. The hardest audience was when it was just me, my husband, and my dad at the funeral home.

I played that song so many times since. I played it again for my aunts funeral just a few short years ago. I can't think of a time I haven't had it in my set list.

My daughter had a dance competition in Lancaster, PA this past weekend. I knew Nichole Nordeman was going to be playing a concert there but I can't leave my daughter right? Well, the Lord just works. A week before I found out she would be finished for the day at 1pm so I came home and quickly grabbed some tickets including a couple Platinum packages (it must have been a sign as my daughter won two platinums for her solos). I had met Nichole before and so I knew this would be an awesome experience. She is just so down to earth and real. I like real.

The meet and greet was awesome. She came out casual, apologizing for being comfortable (I'm always comfortable). I asked her to tell me the story again about Every Season and how she came to write it and mentioned how I sang it for my dads funeral (and forgot to mention my Aunts as well). She asked if I got through it without crying, I said "yuppers", then the unimaginable happened, she asked if I would sing it with her. OMG. YES! I was so nervous on the first verse but by the second I was just into the music, the lyrics, feeling the Holy Spirit. What an experience.

So now, if you come to hear me play, you won't just hear the story of learning this song for such a sad time as my fathers funeral. You will hear me end with the incredible blessing of singing it with the songwriter, my favorite musician, Nichole Nordeman.


I am beyond blessed in this new season of my life.

Fear much?

I remember my very first time playing for service. I was a new Christian of less than a year. The church where I was saved was losing their piano player. My friend went there and knew I had studied piano for years so she asked if I would give it a try. My first thought was "but I don't even have a piano." I hadn't played for years and years and more importantly I AM SCARED. Not having a piano wasn't intentional, I had just gotten married and moved into an apartment and there was no room for a piano. I ended up practicing at church for years until I could get my own again.

Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.

I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.

I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.

James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.

There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.

My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.

There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.

I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.

Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.

Jesus Makes Us Brave.

Nice to meet you

I've been reading a book called the Creative Call. It instructs the artist to write everyday. That's how this idea was born. I am such a social media person it just makes sense.

My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.

So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.

I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.