Maybe you're like me, sitting back and shaking your head wondering how it got to be December and almost a new year already. Seems like the year just started and now it is closing. Time truly flies.
Something I've been learning over this advent season from my devotional (Chris Tomlin has a great one on YouVersion), Obedience always leads to Jesus. It's pretty simple really, but, something I struggle with as my flesh wants to just follow me. So that is going to be my New Years Resolution (if you believe in that sort of thing). Maybe we should call it a goal, a very good goal. A goal to stop trying to do things on my own without consulting God. A goal to really focus on studying the Word more. A goal of letting all bitterness go (not easy but extremely necessary).
I have always wanted to play and sing for my daughter while she dances and thankfully this Christmas Eve that finally happened. We heard a Christmas song we just absolutely fell in love with. Not a tradition song. Chris Tomlin's Winter Snow. I had a few days to get it done and fully trusted that in faith it would be. My daughter practiced with me a few times. It was such an honor to do this with her on one of my favorite nights of the year. I will post a link to the video on You Tube. I asked my husband to focus on my daughter because I couldn't watch and wanted to afterwards.
So Merry Christmas to all and may this coming year be blessed. No matter what happens, good or bad, just cling to the Lord. His love never fails.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCpLM8L9kZc
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Perfect Peace
My reading this morning during my devotion took me to Isaiah 26. Verse 3 just about jumped off the page this morning. I've read this verse many times before. This morning three words were new to me:
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.
Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.
Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.
I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.
Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.
Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.
But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.
All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in You.
Trust, I have serious trust issues. I don't know why. But never before had I really thought about my part in that verse. Keeping my mind on Him and not circumstance.
Recently I've been watching God move in my life in a big way. I had some financial issues but that worked out beyond what I could ask for. The best part is I kept my eyes focused on Him, I didn't know how things were going to work out, I just had a peace that they would work out. Finance is my trigger. My immediate decent into the useless pit of worry. Not this time.
I also just recently had a health problem going on (outside of the rheumatoid disease). Somehow when I was at the end of my rope, it got better because I kept remembering to focus on God and not on what I saw.
Then today happened. Beautiful sunny day and after a week of being off of the tennis court I went out to hit with my daughter. I have to admit, at 13 she is starting to really hit with pace and strength. On my backhand I felt a little pain. Unfortunately it happened a few times. Unfortunately it became a part of the rest of my day and I am playing in the morning. Cue the next panic attack. Can I play tomorrow? Is it going to start the next rheumatic flare? Am I going to make it to four weeks now with my Humira shot? Am I going to be able to practice to play Saturday in New York, which just happens to be my favorite place to play.
Then I was reminded of those three words by the Holy Spirit......stayed on Him. I remembered I needed to take some advil and drink some tart cherry juice. Guess what, I am feeling better and ready to go tomorrow. Training starts for Mixed Doubles in the winter. I suppose I won't be taking many weeks off again.
But, keeping my mind of Christ and remembering to be thankful for what He has done, and thankful for what He will do....matters. It matters a lot!! Everything seems magnified when I focus on the problem.
All is minimized when I keep my eyes on Him. You really do have peace.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
A Beautiful You Retreat at Camp Ashmere
I think I've delayed so long writing this entry because I honestly miss that weekend on the lake. Lake Ashmere in Hinsdale, Massachusetts is an amazingly beautiful place. But as I am hunkering down to prepare for next weekends coffeehouse in Staten Island I knew I had some songs to learn, especially the one I learned I listened to on loop at retreat.
Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.
In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.
One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."
We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.
The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.
Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.
And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.
A kiss from my Creator.
Denise Ridley is a wonderfully Joyce Meyer inspired speaker. What I like most about her is she makes me laugh, and I learn sign language. Her husband is deaf so it's natural for her. Seriously thought, when I'm laughing you have my full attention and I remember. She also likes group participation. That's also good for me.
In our culture we are so brainwashed into what "beautiful" is when in fact if you look back over the course of time beauty has always changed. Beauty can change just by changing countries. We're not taught to love ourselves for who God made us to be, for HOW he made us to be. As a woman who has always been a performing I can really spend way to much time worrying about the "stupid" things. What I'm wearing, what my hair looks like, is my nose oily and should I hit the powder. Sadly, even in the Christian music world these things are important.
One thing we talked about was kisses from God. Special things that God does for us that are the equivalent of a big hug or kiss from God. Here's a great example, when I sang with Nichole Nordeman. Through her he erased all the negative emotions for me singing Every Season because now I can smile and think of that moment. I have a wonderful story to share and I will at the end. Things we normally wouldn't think to say "that's a kiss from my Father."
We did some amazing songs. One of which was Beautiful for Me from Sweet Pea Beauty. You know you're a mom when you know the Veggie Tales (they are incredibly awesome). We need to be reminded that God made us beautiful for Him. Ever Be was also a popular song from the weekend. Flawless was our theme song for the weekend. The cross makes us flawfless no matter what we've done.
The song I learned and clung to that weekend was Bethel's In Over My Head (Crash Over Me). I just finished learned that song. If you happen to be in New York to hear me perform it next week and you see me break out in a bring smile during the first bridge here's why. Finally after the retreat wrapped I got a chance to sit at the lake with my journal and just write while listening to music. Of course that's the song I had on loop as I was trying to really learn the lyrics.
Bridge 1
I'm going knee deep, I'm out where I've never been.
I hear You coming
I hear Your voice on the wind.
And just as she sang wind, the wind blew across the lake.
A kiss from my Creator.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Proverbs 1
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 ESV
This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.
I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.
Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.
Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),
How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.
Now in the EXB,
Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).
DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.
I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:
In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.
I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.
Don't dispise discipline.
This is a verse that surfaces for me and always has at various times in my life. Usually when I am questioning something and out of nowhere comes this verse. I could be singing a song on the radio or just sitting in quiet. It comes to me and I am no longer surprised when it happens.
I would never want to be a "fool" so wanting to gain wisdom is something to be worked at for sure. I am happy to gain wisdom.
Instruction, I love that too. I love when the Lord directs my steps.
Let's change this verse around a bit. Let's look at the TLB (The Living Bible),
How does a man become wise? The first step is to trust and reverence the Lord! Only fools refuse to be taught. Listen to your father and mother. What you learn from them will stand you in good stead, it will gain you many honors.
Now in the EXB,
Knowledge begins with respect (fear;awe) for the Lord, but fools hate (despise) wisdom and discipline (self-control;instruction).
DISCIPLINE? That makes this a new ball game for me. Discipline is difficult to handle but if you are a parent you know that it's hard on both ends. It's necessary. It's how we learn.
I wrote a song years ago called "In The Fire". The lyrics are these:
In the fire, to learn to obey. Take my life, daily teach your ways.
I wrote that during a tough time in my life. I was told I might have cancer. Did I think God might have allowed the cancer as a punishment. No I didn't. I felt that it was another chance for me to trust in the Lord and not in man. To follow harder, to devote more time to learning how to fully depend on Him. As it turned out I didn't have cancer and that surgery resulted in the birth of my miracle girl. But, I accepted that this was a walk I was given and I had something to learn it in.
Don't dispise discipline.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
I Can Do All Things, Tomorrow is a Big Day For Me!
Anyone who has ever been sick knows one of the worst parts is not being able to do what you want to do. Not being able to be at the office, or spend time with your family, those types of things. Living with a disease is no different. Today I am writing one blog post for both pages today. One for Rheumatoidblogger and the other for my Worship Leaders Blog. Though they are always entwined together just as my life is (I am a Christian Rheumatic after all), this post has to be.
Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.
Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.
For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.
I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.
New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,
STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Back in the first weekend of May I started a new journey. Months before that I was blessed to be able to start to train for competitive tennis. I was so nervous that first match but remember that God had bought me that far and to just trust. Not worry, just trust. Remember Philippians 4:13. Oddly enough I repeated that verse at idiom over 20 years ago when I played in my very first service.
Tomorrow I will be repeating that verse to myself as I step out to play in my very first USTA Districts (state) match. Both of my USTA tennis teams finished first in our division. The first round of districts is tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday is the championship match which I hope our team will be playing in.
For anyone who just started following my Worship Leader blog let me fill you in on this unexpected journey I've had. It all started with foot problems. More than likely coming from years of pointe. I broke it, pulled ligaments, bursitis, and some I can't even remember. I've had shots on the side, in the heal, through the bottom. I've been in a boot, out of the book and back in the boot. I named it Jose since we became such good friends. AHHHH. It still makes me cringe. Then the knees started. I tore the left meniscus and had surgery. I tore the right and played through it. Then when I thought all was really going well, I started to lose my hands. Horrible for tennis and ministry. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease, the autoimmune one not that one treatable with BenGay. I responded to medicine quickly and was on my way when I slipped and fell on a wet floor and landed on my back. That taught me that falls and rheumatism do not mix well. My rheumatism was out of control. Finally in this year I was pain free enough to finally train to play tennis. That brings you up to today. It's also very sad that has been my longest paragraph, but, it is what it is and this is what it is.
I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so grateful that God has gotten me here because my health clearly could have went the other way. I'm so thankful to everyone who has led me and prayed for me to feel better. This list is long and I do not want to forget anyone churches individuals. But what a story I have to share on what the Lord has accomplished. I'm so very humbled to be able to say I am well enough to do this. I'm still in the rheumatoid groups, reading story after story of people giving up and having complications. Of people feeling hopeless because they can't get a pain free night. Of people dealing with other diseases on top of the rheumatism which is horrible my itself. I could be them and they could be me. I recognize my fellow celiacs who helped me turn my lifestyle around and realize I am a celiac and that probably led to the RD. For someone mentioning to try Juice Plus (which didn't work for me but please try it for yourself). Every "Nutriblast believer" and natural medicine fanatic who really were influential sending me lists of natural remedies. I don't know where I read about Tart Cherry Juice, can't thank you enough because I swear by it. I am indebted to my Savior who through all things I can do anything." Especially if it's in his will. For being with me through the horrible times when I couldn't get out of bed for a day, or sleep for may nights in a row because the pain is always worse at night. God is good all the time.
New song for tomorrow. I usually listen to Selena's Slow Down, B.E.A.T., and Like A Champion before every match. I'm sure I will tomorrow, but my rally song will a song by Matthew West,
STRONG ENOUGH. Because YOU are strong enough.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Proverbs
I have jumped in a facebook 31 day Proverbs challenge.
I have to admit. the book of Proverbs is probably one of my very favorite books. Short lines, directly to the point. Impossible not understand and apply. I find there are times I just remember them when I need them the most, better known as the prodding of the Holy Spirit.
I was in a head on collision years ago. I was pretty young at the time with my walk with the Lord. I had walked away from my relationship and ministry a few months before. I was pretty angry with God. I was driving to the first court hearing and as I was passing a lake bymy house and out of the blue Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I admit. I was like what? I haven't been acknowledging you at all! Proverbs will always be special for me.
So what about you? It is only day 7. It's certainly not too late to join me in the 31 day Proverbs challenge!
I have to admit. the book of Proverbs is probably one of my very favorite books. Short lines, directly to the point. Impossible not understand and apply. I find there are times I just remember them when I need them the most, better known as the prodding of the Holy Spirit.
I was in a head on collision years ago. I was pretty young at the time with my walk with the Lord. I had walked away from my relationship and ministry a few months before. I was pretty angry with God. I was driving to the first court hearing and as I was passing a lake bymy house and out of the blue Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I admit. I was like what? I haven't been acknowledging you at all! Proverbs will always be special for me.
So what about you? It is only day 7. It's certainly not too late to join me in the 31 day Proverbs challenge!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Only Human
I've been having a string of "those days". You know, we all have them, and when they come together in a nice little string it's really stressful. It's like a little prepackaged beautiful box of stress perfectly designed to push all on my buttons.
As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.
You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.
Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.
Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).
I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.
The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.
As you know, I lost my father a few years ago. I was determined to sing and PLAY Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. Since then it is just my funeral song. It's a beautiful song, and I love it, it gives me great hope in the midst of these gift box days. It's an emotional song for me though and when I am stressed, it's a very difficult song to not be a part of. If I'm in it on those days, I will cry. I can't do that. Not until after. Unfortunately as a church musician, guess what, it's my job. I don't mind. It's an honor to play for anyone in those special moments of life. The life changing moments.
You've heard that saying before right? Not my business, not my monkey's.
Enter someone else's monkey. On a day where I amy already over emotional for woman reasons (blasted hormones), and over tired from not sleeping for a few days. A friend has a friends who found me on facebook. His mission in doing this. To let me know repeatedly that I am helping my friend be "an abuser." We've gone rounds about this before. Just leave her alone. Don't talk to her. I haven't even taken sides. I'm sure she's not but, I've never told him that. Now, we aren't even facebook friends so how he knows I'm her friend I will never know. This "monkey" then likes to notify me of how fake I am, self centered, horrible and wretched. Today just was not the day. That old temper flared back. I honestly believe this guy wasn't going to commit suicide though hinting about it. I kindly told him that I was really having a rough morning and I just couldn't do this today. That he really needed to seek professional help because I am not equipped to help. He wouldn't stop. I told him that I am taking him at his word and was going to call the police. I actually did. So, after an hour I pulled a Morpheus moment and finally just said, "I called the police. Listen for the knock". That was it. He blocked me. I'm guessing so I wouldn't get his location, but, that ship had already sailed. I do think this person is a little unstable. I worry for my friend.
Then of course, I calm down and think. Did I just blow that? Yup. When he was attacking my ministry and value as a Worship Leader did I ever stop to say, "Listen guy, you really need to focus on someone more important than my friend. Let's look to Jesus. Let's pray." I went right back to the fleshly ways of not showing who my God really is. Who could have handled this whole thing well better than I could have if only I didn't get upset and prayed.l I decided who was worthy of understanding. I wasn't feeling I was the only one having a bad day. I realized the family at the funeral was having a much worse day than I. (More on that later).
I am praying now, forgiveness for not doing what I should have. I am completely thankful that I just have to ask for that forgiveness I so desperately need right now. Praying for him as well. That he truly does seek out the help he needs. I know what it is like to look for love in all the wrong places.
The funeral today was actually pretty good. I love when that happens. The family wasn't falling apart. They held tight to their faith and that ministered to me and lifted me up so I was ready to do what God called me to do. We celebrated his life. I got to play Nichole Nordeman's Legacy. Did I chose to love? Tough words to sing after my morning. All I can do is try better next time.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Incredible Season
My parents are both gone. My mother passed in 2005. I sang at her funeral. A 4Him version of It Is Well. It's funny because I haven't sung that song since. I don't know why. I actually love it. I'm not overly fond of hymns (no hate mail please) but this is one I really like. I've sang other songs from her funeral since then but "It is Well", never. I'm going to have to be sure to put it in our service on Sunday.
A few years after I saw Nichole Nordeman at King's Christian School. While she sang Every Season I remember just having an emotional moment, remembering my mom, thinking how this could have been the song I sang because it was perfect.
Five years later I was faced with that same exact situation. This time I lost my dad. I knew I had to sing for his funeral just like my mothers. It's so difficult to sing at funerals ,but, an army friend while deployed told me before to think of it as one last gift. That's how I approached it. I could break down afterwards. And believe me, I always did.
Fall is my favorite season. I love the colors. Ironically, both of my parents died in the fall. My mother in late September and my father in late October. I remember learning Every Season and looking out my back door at the most beautiful of fall trees. I played it repeatedly for over a week. I wanted to make sure I could get through it. The hardest audience was when it was just me, my husband, and my dad at the funeral home.
I played that song so many times since. I played it again for my aunts funeral just a few short years ago. I can't think of a time I haven't had it in my set list.
My daughter had a dance competition in Lancaster, PA this past weekend. I knew Nichole Nordeman was going to be playing a concert there but I can't leave my daughter right? Well, the Lord just works. A week before I found out she would be finished for the day at 1pm so I came home and quickly grabbed some tickets including a couple Platinum packages (it must have been a sign as my daughter won two platinums for her solos). I had met Nichole before and so I knew this would be an awesome experience. She is just so down to earth and real. I like real.
The meet and greet was awesome. She came out casual, apologizing for being comfortable (I'm always comfortable). I asked her to tell me the story again about Every Season and how she came to write it and mentioned how I sang it for my dads funeral (and forgot to mention my Aunts as well). She asked if I got through it without crying, I said "yuppers", then the unimaginable happened, she asked if I would sing it with her. OMG. YES! I was so nervous on the first verse but by the second I was just into the music, the lyrics, feeling the Holy Spirit. What an experience.
So now, if you come to hear me play, you won't just hear the story of learning this song for such a sad time as my fathers funeral. You will hear me end with the incredible blessing of singing it with the songwriter, my favorite musician, Nichole Nordeman.
I am beyond blessed in this new season of my life.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Fear much?
I remember my very first time playing for service. I was a new Christian of less than a year. The church where I was saved was losing their piano player. My friend went there and knew I had studied piano for years so she asked if I would give it a try. My first thought was "but I don't even have a piano." I hadn't played for years and years and more importantly I AM SCARED. Not having a piano wasn't intentional, I had just gotten married and moved into an apartment and there was no room for a piano. I ended up practicing at church for years until I could get my own again.
Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.
I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.
I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.
James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.
There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.
My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.
There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.
I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.
Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.
Jesus Makes Us Brave.
Problem #2- I am SHY!! Seriously I am. I don't know how that works with being called to be a worship leader, but, that's my reality. Just last week I decided to do something new. I went and got my nails painted at a nail salon. I never do that. I spend most of my week cutting my nails, the irony. But, I had them painted when I led at a Women's Retreat about a month ago, first time in about a decade or more. So I walked into the nail salon and expected it to be empty. It was 1:30 in the afternoon after all. From the second step through the door my panic button went off. There were too many people, I didn't know what to do. I'm a creature of habit. This was too new, and I am.....shy! It took me a little awhile to finally calm down, remember that no matter where I go I am never alone, and just do as you are told. In short, I remembered Philippians 4:13.
I can still remember the very first time I played for a service like it was yesterday. My hands were shaking so bad I wasn't sure I could play. I was repeating Phil 4:13 over and over in my head trying to calm myself down. I can't even remember the songs I played, but I know I was wrapped in fear. Reciting those verses helped me to get through it. And the rest is history so to speak though my hands will still shake when I get really nervous, especially debuting a new song. Hard to believe that still happens after being a church musician for close to 20 years.I have the reassurance that God has me exactly where I am for exactly the same reason, I am a musician and a Worship Leader and this is what I am meant to do. The bigger the crowd the bigger the nerves. But I have learned this, over time. I learned that my nerves are to keep me focused. Not focused on the music, or focused on technique. I am focused on Jesus! There's a reason throughout scripture we are told to keep our eyes up! Look to the clouds. Look to the perfecter and finisher of our faith. We need to be reminded to look up. We need the reminders to stay focused on the Lord and not ourselves.
I am a homeschooler. My daughter is now in 7th grade (and my friends still laugh at me because I laughed at them for homeschooling, God has a sense of humor). Last year our curriculum had us memorizing James. The entire book. Seriously, the entire book. No, we didn't get through it. But I did get through the part that I needed a month later when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Disease.
James 1:2-4 says this...
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I was in Urgent Care reciting this over and over and over, in horrible pain, not able to use my hands, or my shoulders.(BUT LORD I"M A MUSICIAN). I was barely able to fill out the admittance form. But, yet, I knew that somehow this was part of a plan I didn't yet understand and to always keep the faith. Phil. 4:13. I will dive into my fight with Rheumatoid Disease throughout this blog, but, I am now doing really well.
There's another part of fear that always eats at me when I am leading worship. This is definitely the worldly part......
Is my hair ok?
Is my makeup alright?
Do I look fat in this?
Are these shoes matching?
Do I look fat in this?
Is my hair ok?
Yes I went to a couple more than once because these fears are always in my mind. My hair, well, my short trip on injectable methotrexate has made my hair thin. I just noticed how bad it got about a month ago. AHHHHHH. Not that, not my hair!!! I switched to Wen when I was put on the chemo drug but they failed to listen to me tell them that I am celiac as well.
My weight and I have always done battles. I grew up a ballerina. That is what I knew I would do all my life. My mother however had no belief in that and even though she encouraged me to dance, she made me play the piano. Thanks Mom!! But having grown up a naturally heavy child and be in a world of super thin people isn't something I can let go of easily. I was recently at Matthew West's concert and when he said he tries on 5 different shirts before stepping onstage I actually felt relieved. So nice to know I'm not alone in that. Eventually I realize I need to prepare my hurt more than I need to prepare my clothes and what I look like.
There are mornings I just wake up drenched in fear and apprehension. I don't know why, but, I literally spend some time in bed fighting with myself. Remembering that fear is not of God. Remembering that He has always been faithful. Reciting that there is nothing happening today that God cannot handle and to let go of those crazy misguided thoughts. Then I regroup and feel so guilty. I don't know why it happens. God doesn't want us to live that way and those feelings are not of God. That much I know. But every once in awhile, I wake up this way. I've learned to realize what it is, a spiritual attack, and try to refocus myself faster every time.
I truly could give countless examples of my struggle with fears. But I want to leave this encouraging. So here it is. Even when we are afraid God still wants us moving. I read a great book once called Do It Afraid. So true. I'm afraid to sing, so what, do it. I'm afraid to play, so what, do it. That theory applies to everything.
Our theme for the ladies retreat where I was honored to lead worship was Be Courageous. I love themes. Makes me really research music and what is a great fit. Some of the songs we did, Kari Jobe-I Am Not Alone, Bethel-You Make Me Brave, Strong-Hillsong, and Oceans-Hillsong. It really worked into the messages given to us by our speaker Denise Ridley. (www.deniseridley.com and on facebook Waters Edge Ministries). I learned a lot that weekend. All of us left, ready to be brave.
Jesus Makes Us Brave.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Nice to meet you
I've been reading a book called the Creative Call. It instructs the artist to write everyday. That's how this idea was born. I am such a social media person it just makes sense.
My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.
So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.
I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.
My walk, well, it's not perfect. Never has been. I'm human, and stubborn, but I am very real. I don't mind sharing those experiences with people. I believe that's why we experience happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs in life, to give back, to help others.
So I guess this blog will be sharing my new journey in ministry.
I'm Jacqui, welcome to my stories. Would love to hear from all of you, too.
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